We Are A Chain Reaction

I sat there on the train tracks, analyzing my life. Breaking down everything I’ve ever done. I sat there looking for the good, but all i could find was my mistakes. When i was little I always dream’t of growing up and conquering the world. Not in the dictator way but in the ‘I’m going to make a difference and change everything’ way. My mom saw it by the time i was four, she told everyone that she could i tell i was going to grow up and make a difference, and everyone thought she was crazy. Until i turned 11 and filled out a class survey that asked ‘what do you want to do when you grow up’ and i said ‘Change the world. And travel’ i may have spelled words wrong, and i may not have had a concrete plan on how i was going to do so. But from that moment on it was clear i wasn’t going to be your usual child. A little later i found my passion to be photography, i discovered that i could see everything a little clearer through a lens. But now, now i sit here and i think about all of the things i promised myself i would do, and i think about all of the mistakes I’ve made, and everything i haven’t gotten a chance to do yet. I had a fairy tale dream of when and how i was going to lose my virginity, not waiting till marriage but at least until i fell in love. And instead i lost it in a failed attempt to get over someone i was in love with. I find myself pining over a boy who everyone says isn’t worth my time… and it seems i’m better at making plans to change the world rather than taking steps to the actual thing. So I sat there and replayed how my life was going and the problem with the fact that I couldn’t think of anything good in my life. I got tired of beating myself up and as i got up to leave i saw a butterfly fly by and land on my bag. And just like that, i started thinking about the baby girl i gave up my teenage years for in order to raise. The amazing friends i have, and how much they thank me for always being there for them. I thought about the boy i fell in love with, the one i tried to give everything too, the sister i was always there for, even if she never thanked me for it, the brothers i raised through my parents divorce, the mission work i went and did every summer, and the plans that i have made to change the world. I had a sudden sense of relief that my life wasn’t going according to my calculated plan, i felt relief that i still had some teenage years left, some big mistakes to make, and a road to follow in which i didn’t know the exact destination… sometimes things are just better when you don’t see them coming. Sometimes doing a recap of how far you’ve come can make you that much more excited on everything you still have a chance to do. 

I think you should be my new beginning because every forever needs a place to start. You’ve got a point in saying I don’t know you all that well, but baby i’m planning on spending the rest of my life trying to figure you out. 

I never thought I’d be ‘That Girl’…you the one who falls for that boy who isn’t right for her. And no matter how many people tell her she’s wrong for liking him, and that he isn’t the one for her… her only response is ‘I see something you don’t’. I never thought that’d be me because whenever I warned girls like that I always thought they were delusional or something. They were setting themselves up to get hurt and they couldn’t possibly be oblivious enough to not know that. And now I know… people who haven’t had that person, that one person who comes in and changes everything about you… the ones who haven’t been there, they just don’t understand. The thing about him is he came in and opened my eyes.. to everything. To getting hurt, to saying no, and to saying yes. He showed me how to get past things that I never thought I would, and showed me that some people really care, even if everyone says they don’t. He’s that person who’s hurt me so many times that I wouln’t be able to count on my fingers and toes, but if he walked through my door right now and asked me to help him, i would. No matter the cost…Some people, they just don’t have that.

It’s not a has been, or a I want to be, It’s a now. It’s I like you, but a don’t know how to tell you. It’s, how did it get from that to this. I thought it could never be. I thought I was in love with him.. but when i close my eyes you’re all I see. And now, with my head telling me to go this way, and my heart telling me to go that…I find mself awake at night thinking upon how you made me an insomniac.

OK YES. I get it, you don’t like me. You never think about me, you haven’t thought about me in the last 5 months, and you’ve probably replaced me with that blonde bimbo whos in 7th GRADE. And baby that’s fine because Compared to anyone else you’re the worst person for me. And everyone keeps telling me I deserve more than you… But it doesn’t change or take away from the fact that i still think about you all the time.. That i remember all the times you DID show me how much you cared. That moment I looked into your eyes and I just knew you were the one for me. Like everything else disappeared. But then I remember how you told everyone you were in love with HER, even me…I just didn’t believe you. Because you called ME every night, you looked ME in the eye whenever we talked. You teased ME all the time, in that flirty way. Even my BESTFRIEND could tell how you felt about me. and When it came down to choosing, when it came down to BOTH of us finding out about your girlfriend and walking away, you came after ME… So you can sit there and say that SHE’S the one you love. And shes the only girl for you….But I can’t be the one waiting anymore. I can’t be the one wondering if it’s all in my mind. And I can’t be the one who sits around wasting there life thinking about memories that only mean something to me. Because waiting for you, waiting for you to finally admit that you love ME, is like waiting for rain in a drought.. So if my friends ask….I’m over you. I never think about you anymore. And you’re just a faint memory of something that…Almost was.

We fight, we love, we lose. And then we do it all over again… You have to bebrave enough to keep trying, and have enough faith to know something good is coming your way, no matter how much is in our past♥

I think God hates me. They say he never throws anything at you that he knows you can’t handle. SO,  I want to make a very public announcement and say “I’m pretty freakin tired of this, I cannot handle anymore. Thank you for your challenges, but I decline the rest.”

You sit there and tell me you love me. You get drunk and to honest and tell me how much you want to be with me, how much you wish it would have worked out. Then you get conscious and realize you just might be letting me in.  That you just might be getting attached. And when you think about it, when you evaluate yourself and you tell yourself that you can’t fall in love with me, because you don’t want a relationship. When you talk yourself out of liking me, and you find that you can’t quite get me out of your heart. The only solution you can come up with is deciding to kick me out of your life. You think it’ll be easy to get over everything we had? All of the late night conversations, the feelings, the holding hands in class discreetly, you think you’ll be able to forget me just because you stop talking to me? You won’t. Did you think I wouldn’t call, that I wouldn’t miss you? Did you think it was easy for me…or did you know it wasn’t? Did you know I would tear myself up inside and that I would try to come up with an explanation of why you left me here with my heart open to only you? You know me; you know how hard it is for me to open up to people, to trust people. And I decided to put all of my trust in the one person I always knew would leave me…the only problem is I didn’t see it coming this time. You caught me blindsided. You took my heart right out from under me, breaking down the walls I built up to keep everyone out. You knew everything you had to say to hurt me… and I should hate you. But I don’t. What we had was terrible…we fought constantly, challenging each other every day; you were everything I never asked for. And nothing I ever wanted. But somehow you were exactly what I needed, you let me find myself again. Discover the passion I never knew I had. And somehow we just fit. We worked…We were perfect together. And we could have had it all. And now it’s over, just like that. A part of me knows you’ll be back when you figure out that I’m what you want. When you decide you want a relationship with me, that you’re okay not screwing every girl you meet. That all you really want is to be with me. And that maybe you’re okay with admitting that you’re in love with me, after all. Until then…You’ll be my biggest ‘What if’.

Sometimes being in a crowd of people is when I feel the loneliest. Sometimes living in my dreams seems better then living in reality. Sometimes i feel more sober and more myself on my second chase. Sometimes i just feel prettier in sweats without makeup on. And sometimes when i say i wanna be alone, i just want to be with you.  But sometimes… things just aren’t what they seem.